Resetting My Purpose

I’m not sad anymore, not like I was in 2020 and 2021.  The weight has lifted and things have gotten better.  But I’m missing something.  My motivation dial to conquer the world is on a lower setting.

I look back on the last two years and I don’t even know what happened.  I’m here, but how exactly I got here is mysterious.   It’s like my plan was foiled by those meddling kids from Scooby Doo, but I can’t remember what I was trying to accomplish.  I had some big reason to press on everyday, but I can’t for the life of me seem to harness that same beacon of desire.

I read an article today about the lack of ambition for workers post COVID.  I resemble it.  I don’t know if it’s surviving the pandemic, spending more time with my kids or what, but my big dreams seem to elude me right now.  I’m not even sure I can name them.  I know I want to be healthy and spend time with my family and read and discover things.  I need the satisfaction of working and contributing and learning.  I have travel goals.  I know I need to save for retirement and to send my kids to school, and someday I’d like to live in a space that isn’t an archeological preservation site for parents who raised two rowdy boys and cats with claws - broken pottery chards, digging sticks, remnants of Nerf bullets, Lego sets and Pokémon cards waiting to be unearthed.

I used to get up at 5 AM to workout and shower at work before anyone else arrived.  I was planning global travel and executing corporate initiatives while most people weren’t even hitting snooze yet.  Now I’m happy to get to my rented office space by 9 AM and to show up to yoga once a week.

It’s not that I’m doing nothing; I’m just not doing it with the “ride or die” attitude I had before.  There are signs of the old, badass me and I have flashbacks of the high-adrenaline times.  I’ve made progress on my business and enjoy my co-CMOs and my clients, my preteen son talks to me once in awhile and (gasps) even lets me hug him.  I’ve added nicer clothes back to my wardrobe in anticipation of needing them.  I’ve stuck with my yoga routine, built mileage on my bike and, for whatever reason, after playing sand volleyball for the last fifteen years with the beer-pitcher-drinking team, I’m actually getting better at it (the volleyball part).  No one can explain it, but I have a theory.

Here’s the thing.  The 22-year-old Iowa girl who moved to Ohio with her engineering degree and steel-toed boots and supervised second shift employees is still here.  The one who gave up TV and sleep for three years to complete her master’s at night?  Here.  So is the girl who took a ferry from China to Hong Kong to meet her fiancée for a flight to New Zealand.  That lady who drove global corporate initiatives and communication during COVID while raising kids?  She’s still here, too, somewhere, buried under backpacks, motivational quotes and cat hair.

I have this strong feeling that so much drive and effort is waiting to come out again if I can find the right lane for it.  I re-watched Simon Sinek’s TED talk on finding your why, and it struck me, after trying to identify his accent, that what I am doing is resetting my purpose.  A lot of my focus lately has been on the “what” and showing up to take the next steps with blind faith I will eventually get there, and it’s not a bad strategy.  But I need more focus on defining the “why”.  Simon reminded me that identifying purpose drives behavior, and this makes so much sense to me.  Honing in on purpose will rev my engine back up.  Simon says.

My theory on why I am getting better at volleyball after all these years?  Because I’m spending time with my people, and I treasure that time each week, more than I did before.  Also, we leveled up this year, and we’ve had to rise to the challenge of playing teams whose average age is fifteen years less than ours.  Turns out having to work more as a team brings out the best in us (and we don’t like losing).  It’s crazy, but I’m able to be more patient and less panicky on the court.  I have more confidence I can make a good play, although my body doesn’t always cooperate.  It’s like I trained with Yoda and didn’t know it.

Why have I made progress with one of my clients?  Because I believe in what he is trying to accomplish, I’ve been able to help him, and he’s helped me.  I found myself on a Native American settlement last week talking about technology education, meeting bright, young students and learning about the history of native people in my state and country.  It wasn’t about me or my career, and I was grateful to be a part of it.

All of this change has been hard, but I believe in the journey.  I’m working to redefine my purpose as I test new things against it.  I’m out here trying things and less afraid to fail.  I’m driving headlong down the lane I’m in, looking for opportunity.  One of these days, potential will line up with purpose and I’ll be dialed up again, making great things happen, but maybe for slightly different reasons.

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