May The Invisible Forces Not Be With You

The Imaginary Cage

Someone asked me several years ago, “What’s holding you back?” It was a bit of a wake up call. What did he mean? I was fabulous and conquering the world. Nothing was holding me back. Turns out, that was a lie. There were (and are) all sorts of invisible forces keeping me tethered, undecided, stuck and unnecessarily stressed. I imagine the captured giant, hands and feet tied down with rope wrapped around wooden poles and staked into the ground. Handfuls of miniature people scurrying about to contain the threat with the woeful disillusion the giant couldn’t just stand up. Or, maybe more appropriately, so I don’t sound like I think I’m some bearded giant in a lumberjack flannel, I like the analogy of the cage with the open door. We think we are in a cage, but in reality, the door is open and we are free to walk out at any time if only we could see it.

Unnecessary Internal Pressure

I was feeling kind of stuck again this week. I’m not sure if you know this, but being a stay-at-home mom, even if temporarily, is not a cake walk. I no longer have a guilt-free pass on things I gave up on or outsourced as a globe-trotting executive mom. House not clean? Laundry not done? Cupboards not organized like a photo from Real Simple magazine? Four to five servings of exotic vegetables and fresh herbs not served per day? All on me now. Plus, find the next fabulous career move, raise two amazing children (even when they are annoying or ungrateful), find time for my marriage, and there really is no good excuse I’m not sculpting my body into a J-Lo wannabe or at least finding thirty minutes a day to workout. But these thoughts are BS! No one is holding me accountable for these standards except me, with maybe the exception of my kids who have filed official complaints about the one pair of pants not being clean at the exact moment he needed them and the hideous crime of trying new recipes.

I had an epiphany last week about the general direction I want to go with my career. I went to Barnes and Noble and cruised the business book section until I found books that sounded interesting to me. Then I bought a couple and started reading. I sent emails to set up coffee with a couple of people who are doing interesting things related to where I want to go. I’m in another data-gathering, seed-planting phase, and it’s exciting. However, I’m distracted by the invisible forces driving me to seek perfection in my home. Let me tell you, that is a ridiculous goal right now. With two cats, two boys, two adults, three on-going youth sports programs, Legos, nerf guns, a 1000-piece Christmas puzzle and just general apathy towards cleaning, it ain’t happening.

Relief Valve

I confided in a friend, and she asked me, “What do you really want to do?” I replied, “Go to Maine next week.” She asked me what was in the way of me going to Maine, and the reality is — nothing! The door to the cage is open. It takes about ten minutes to book a flight and maybe thirty more to reserve accommodations. My family is well-versed in surviving without me for a week. Long story short, after some research, I decided to go to Florida next week instead, because for now it’s warmer, cheaper and I can see family. I’m keeping Maine on the short list for 2022. The real point is I’m kicking those invisible forces to the curb. In the course of two days, I went from banging against the sides of my imaginary cat carrier to having a boarding pass on my phone. I now have a few dedicated days and hours to chase my new career path, get some fresh air and exercise, laugh with my cousin and let go of the pressure I’m putting on myself to be perfect at home. I’m not Martha freaking Stewart, but I wouldn’t mind having a Corona on the beach with Snoop Dogg. And maybe that’s the point. I need to accept I’m more Snoop Dogg’s beach acquaintance and less Martha Stewart.

Right Now

I put a post-it note on my mirror. It says, “Today is a good day to start.” It’s a good reminder to walk out of the imaginary cage, fight Darth Vader’s, or whoever’s, forces and get busy prioritizing things I want to happen. I can choose to strive for the safer, unattainable and frustrating goal of having all the socks matched up inside the cage or I can buy a “bless this mess” sign, carve out some time to be brave and move forward on things that matter most to my journey.