Four Months And Half Pregnant

I’ve been not-working-from-home now for four months. What could I have already accomplished in this time? According to the internet, if I was a goat, beaver, tiger, kangaroo or lion, I could have already gotten pregnant and had a baby. On the other hand, if I were an elk, hippo or moose, I’d be halfway through pregnancy (also, thank God I’m not a basking shark, because they can have a gestation period for up to three years). So clearly, I’ve accomplished learning new, random facts.

I’ve also been home during the day, owning my schedule for the first time in twenty some years. Here are ten things I’ve learned:

1. There is a guy at the Y who does pull-ups basically the entire time I’m there. I can get through an entire episode of Derry Girls on the elliptical, pretend I’m doing squat sets correctly and end with some version of plank exercises, and he’s still doing pull-ups. I mean, would it kill him to do a lunge?
2. I can be a tour guide for Hy-Vee (our local grocery store chain). I don’t know how we ate before, who bought groceries and cooked, but I now own it like a boss. I can self-checkout produce better than the people that work there. That’s fennel, lady! And that’s squash! Come on! They need to test on cilantro versus parsley before assigning prime time checkout duty. I might as well work there.
3. How has someone not figured out how to make garbage truck brakes not squeak? We made a vaccine in a few months to address a pandemic, but the garbage truck brakes have to make that noise at every house? Seriously.
4. My unsung heroes are the dishwasher, washing machine and dryer. Hands down. They do not get enough credit for showing up everyday. Thank you, engineers.
5. I know teenagers live in our neighborhood, but seeing one is as rare as a bobcat sighting. Where are they? Will my kids just disappear in a couple of years? I imagine they are all underground in some underground tunnel network. Maybe they come out after 9 PM after normal people are in bed.
6. I can think of a lot better things to do than fold laundry.
7. I seriously thought all the dirty dishes came from the three other people in the house, until I started doing all of them. Nope, it turns out I use about 100 dishes to cook an egg. It’s me. All me.
8. Making any kind of appointment is easier when you aren’t limited to a 30-minute open slot once per week. I’m enjoying this while it lasts. I’m not even mad that the orthodontist gave me a whole new set of Invisalign trays after I finished a whole year (OK, I’m lying a little).
9. I have proven Newton’s Law again — An object in motion tends to stay in motion. An object at rest tends to watch Netflix and sleep and sometimes has to set the alarm to make sure to be awake before the kids get home.
10. I thought my car would be cleaner during this time. Nope. Zero true. It still looks like a dresser/snack drawer/water bottle storage unit with about 1000 face masks for any occasion.

To conclude, I continue gestating the next chapter of my career. Between the household duties, grocery shopping and purging of old stuff, ideas are growing. Sometimes it’s in the quiet when you can hear the most, and sometimes, it’s just the garbage truck.